Tik Toker

why did you have to become a memory

last night i dreamt of you for the first time in a while , i can’t really explain how i felt besides i felt happy again , but also sad at the same time . happy that i saw you but sad that i wouldn’t see you again when i wake up . i miss you

why is it that everyone who comes leaves

this isn’t fair . for the first time in a long time i was not “forgetting you” but simply the thought of you .. of us , no longer made me sad . if anything my mindset and my outlook on this whole situation was starting to change . i was happy that we had what we had , i didn’t regret anything and i’d do it all over again . but recently you accidentally slipped into my life again , i know it was a mistake and you didn’t mean to but seeing your name pop up on my notifications sent me back into the hole that i tried so hard to climb out of . it’s like all the progress i made has now reset and i’m back to square one . your name is burned into my brain now again , everything we could’ve been now clouds my mind once again . i’m sure it’ll all clear up soon but as of right now it hurts .

i never stopped loving you , i just got used to your absence

you’re deeply rooted into my soul and i’ll never live a life without remembering you ever again

why am i such a failure

stop expecting honesty from people who lie to themselves .

i miss the memories we could have made

i deleted your pictures but every time i scroll through my gallery , i keep restoring them , like hitting undo on my own heartache . i’ve blocked you now , but i find myself unblocking you , just hoping to see “i miss you let’s try again” .

but i don’t want you to give what we had to anyone else

tired of handing roses to the person who treats me like weeds .

i fail to practice what i preach . it’s so easy to sit down and tell others that “it’ll be okay” or “you’ll get through this” . but why can’t i do that for myself ? why don’t i believe that for myself ? is it because deep down i know that i amount to nothing and i feel as if i’ll end up being a faliure my whole life . i’m tired of hating myself i just wanna be able to once look in the mirror and be happy with what i see .

you left a mark on me that never seems to go away no matter how much time has passed

even if we up never talking to each other again you’ll always be a part of me

sometimes i wanna open up and talk about everything i’m keeping inside . but the words get stuck , like they’re too heavy to let go . how can i explain the way i feel when i myself don’t even understand it ? i feel guilty for feeling this way , like my pain doesn’t matter , like i’m asking for too much just by speaking . so i stay silent , holding it all inside , hoping one day , someone will see how much i’m hurting without me saying a word .

i’ve recently been trying to change . trying to stop my bad habits . trying to stop thinking so negatively about life . not only for the sake of myself and my mental health but for the sake of my loved ones around me . if i keep going down this road who knows what my destination will be . i feel like i wake up every day and relive the same emotions , i choose to feel depressed or sad , but why ? i call it my reality but the truth is it’s just the past projected onto the present . i can confidently say for the past few months i’ve been in a rut , i’ve been mainly depressed with a few occasions of me feeling happy . this “feeling” of sadness starts to become so repetitive to us that it feels normal , that it feels as if we have to be sad every day . but if i continue to wake up expecting the day to be a bad day then that’s what it’ll be . if i think negatively about life then i’ll never live a positive one . i feel like the life i’m living right now is not happening to me .. it’s happening from me . i’m not fighting the world , i’m fighting my own reflection . we fear change because it’s uncomfortable and we fear failure . but at 2am when you’re lying awake and can’t sleep the only thing worse than failing is realizing you never even tried .

i wonder if we miss each other at the same time

i’m haunted because each day i live with the ghost of everything you used to be .

why is it that when we’re alive , we’re invisible . but once we’ve passed away , everyone suddenly sees us .